
I took out an old friend today. Like me, it is a bit worn down and tired and not working on full capacity. I have not touched this friend since last June, when it tried to kick the bucket during a session. Knowing I couldn’t bear to say good-bye to it yet, I stuck it among the tons of photography gear and let it sit…hoping it would magically repair itself by the time I came to visit it next. The even sadder part is that I have not felt the pull to play, to take photographs for myself, in a very, very long time. That is not to say I haven’t picked up my camera… the past year was one of my busiest photographing for other people, regardless of the fact that my studio is closed. But I have not done any shooting for myself.

Today, too sick to finish up some leftover business from 2010, but well enough to be bored, I felt an unfamiliar urge. An amazing feeling…yet I didn’t want to spoil it by picking up my working cameras who I have yet to fall in love with. So I pulled my Canon 5D out… the old dinosaur that took my photography to a different level… the one I learned so much on. I grabbed another old love of mine, an 85mm lens that hasn’t left my camera bag for a while. I used to strictly shoot prime lenses until I saved enough money for a 25-70L, a trusty, sharp zoom lens.

So today I went on a short journey inside my house. Grabbed some of my favorite subjects (my dogs & cats) and played. It was a bittersweet journey. I felt happy and a bit sad at the same time. 2010 was a year of survival for me. My business was closed out of necessity because of my health, but my heart was not behind the decision. I knew it was best for my clients (who wants a photographer with a bad hand tremor, no balance, and an awful memory?), but it was so hard to make that decision. You could say that I was still hanging on to my dream of becoming a successful portrait photographer, whatever that means. I felt that not only had I let my clients down, but I had let myself down. Nothing I was producing was 100%, I was too busy just trying to get through it all without collapsing.

Today, I let that dream go. I want to find joy in my art again. I want to feel something more than stress when I pick up a camera. I don’t want to care whether my hand is shaking so bad I may not get a sharp photograph, because I can always pull my camera back out and do it again. I want to feel inspired and proud of myself for doing what is right. The photographs I took today may not be my best- but they made me feel that it is ok to let go.



